Your connection to people you care about can interfere with your tapping. But only when you’re not aware of the possibility.

When someone who is important to you shares your issue or the experience it came from, your subconscious can send up a red alert. It says, “I don’t want to release this issue. I’m afraid it means releasing my connection with that person. And I don’t want to do that. So I’m not going to release this issue.”

And your whole tapping session gets bogged down while you try to figure out the problem with your emotional intensity level staying stuck. Sometimes this hidden loyalty factor can make you think that EFT isn’t working.

Not true! You just need to make some adjustments to your tapping. Here are some simple ways to work with loyalty and EFT so you can get better results:

1. Ask yourself if your issue has connections to anyone you’re close to.
2. If so, acknowledge it in your setup. Say something like, “Even though a part of me is concerned that letting go of this issue means letting go of [the person's name], I want to love and accept myself anyway.”
3. Reassure yourself during your tapping rounds. Say something like, “I’m willing to release this issue, and I know I’m still connected to [the person's name].”

What’s your experience? Have you run into this when tapping? Let us know by leaving a comment.

When you’re tapping, it’s easy to be slowed down by subconscious resistance (aka “reversals”). These are beliefs and thoughts related to your main issue that you don’t realize are working against you. They are off your radar, so they don’t occur to you when you tap. Remember – they are subconscious (below conscious recognition).

These resistance thoughts are big deals and can make tapping progress difficult. That’s why it’s important to do something about them. Let me give you a few examples of these resistance beliefs:

• I don’t deserve to let go of this issue.
• I should have let go of this a long time ago.
• I’m a __________ (wise person, coach, EFT practitioner, minister, etc.) and I shouldn’t have this issue.

You could do a whole tapping session on each one of those beliefs – because they have emotional intensity all on their own – aside from the issue they relate to.

Shortcut: Resistance Tapping Phrases

Here is a way to quickly eliminate these thoughts, without adding more tapping sessions. You can start your EFT session by giving voice to this resistance before you do your setup. Many thanks to EFT Master Lindsay Kenny for this concept. You can hear examples of this “resistance tapping” at the start of all the tap-alongs on my Moving Forward With EFT radio program.

How To Do It

Follow these steps:

1. Choose your issue to tap on. If it’s been with you for any length of time (longer than a few weeks), you have some subconscious resistance to letting it go. That’s a fact. Think about it: If you *didn’t* have any resistance, you would have already let it go. Right? So there’s no judgment here. It just happens.

   There’s some subconscious part of you that thinks it has a good reason to hold onto the issue. That’s why you’re getting ready to tap on it to let it go. OK. So let’s give that resistance part a chance to speak up and be heard once and for all. And then it can relax and not fight your EFT attempts to release the issue. That’s all we’re doing here.

2. Using your karate chop point, tap the resistance phrases before you do your setup. The phrasing goes like this: Even though I don’t want to let go of this because _______________(use resistance phrase here), I want to love and accept myself anyway. Do this for as many resistance phrases as you think may apply.
3. Move on to your setup, and then start your regular tapping.

What Phrases To Use

You may be asking, “If it’s subconscious and off my radar screen, how do I know what phrases to use?” The best way is to keep a list for yourself of possibilities. Look at this list when you’re tapping and either tap once on each of them, or notice if you feel a little tug when you read it. If so, tap on that phrase.

Here are some more common resistance phrases for you (in addition to those listed above):

• It may not be safe to get over this. Holding onto it might keep me from making a mistake.
• This is a way I’ve been connected to _______(person) and I don’t want to lose that connection. [This can apply to anyone you're close to who has this same issue, or someone you're having the issue with.]
• Maybe it’s not possible to get over this.
• It’s been with me for so long I won’t know who I am without this.
• I ought to be punished for what I did and hanging onto this is my punishment.
• I won’t have a reason for my life not working if I get over this.
• I’m afraid I’ll have to do something if I release this, and I’m not ready for that yet.

Try using these resistance phrases before you do your setup and be amazed at how quickly you release your issues.

Extra Tip

If you’re tapping and your intensity (SUDS) level gets low and then won’t budge, check this list. See if one of these resistant thoughts is holding things up. Take a minute to go back to your karate chop point and tap it in. Then go back to your regular tapping and watch your number drop down to a zero!

Try it out and come back to share your successes in the comments below.

“I don’t know where to begin tapping on this issue.”

Have you ever said this to yourself? You want to tap on your own, but you don’t even know where to start. Here’s what’s going on: There’s probably some part of you that’s afraid to begin. Most inner blocks boil down to some form of fear and this isn’t any different.

But I Don’t Feel Afraid

Not knowing where to begin with tapping is often fear about experiencing the feelings connected to your issue. It shows up camouflaged like this: “I don’t even know what I feel.” A lot of times that’s because you’re numbing out. It’s too scary to let your emotions surface. There’s a part of you that feels like it’s not safe to have the feelings that are hiding. That part is thinking, “My feelings are just too big. I don’t know if I can handle that. I need to keep a lid on it for now.”

So you feel foggy and confused, and maybe even depressed. Because those feelings are just being smashed down and hidden from you. It’s simply a protective device – emotional self defense. Remember – it’s happening for a good reason. No need to get upset with yourself about it. In fact, you can THANK yourself for coming up with such a creative way to keep you safe. It’s just that it’s now getting in the way of moving forward with healing.

There Is An Answer

EFT is the perfect tool here. You can tap to be willing to know what’s going on. You can tap to be willing to know in a way that UNDERwhelms you. To be willing to have clarity about what’s bothering you, and to simultaneously keep your power. You have the power to not be overwhelmed by how you’re feeling.

Actually, you’re exercising that power when you create the fog of unknowing. What you may not realize is that you have other ways to exercise that power. And you can use EFT to help you do that.

How To Begin

So here are some tapping phrases you can use to begin:

• I’m willing to know where to begin.
• I’m willing to know without being overwhelmed.
• I’m willing to calmly be aware of my feelings.
• I’m willing to support myself.
• I’m willing to ask for any help that I need.
• I’m willing to be in control of my life.
• I’m willing to heal without traumatizing myself.
• I allow myself to heal.
• I have no need to experience more pain in order to heal.

One of the joys of EFT – and what makes it so wonderfully different from other ways of emotional healing — is that it does NOT have to be painful.

What’s Next?

Use the phrases above to get started. This will relax you enough to get access to your own feelings information that you need to continue tapping on the issue you’re thinking about. Click here for a refresher course in the steps for doing EFT on your own.

This challenge showed up with a client yesterday, so I dusted off a topic from last year to remind us all about how tricky it can be to do EFT about the people we’re closest to.

Resentment and hurt and love are often tangled up together. So when you tap on an issue with these ingredients, you might struggle. Sometimes it’s a challenge to release old pain and anger. Examining the love connection can bring the solution.

The Irony Of It All

When you love someone, their actions and words have a bigger impact on you. So it’s easier to feel hurt or angry with a loved one than with someone you don’t care about. Right? It’s much simpler to just blow off a difficult interaction with a person who doesn’t mean much to you.

But when your heart is connected to someone, hurt and anger can result more often. And they can hang around longer, too. That’s why you’re tapping on them – because you’re still carrying them around. So it’s a little ironic that the people you care about the most can contribute heavily to your list of tapping issues.

Hard To Release

Over and over again, folks show resistance to letting go of old issues with loved ones. It could be a spouse, a kid, a parent, a sibling, a good friend – anybody you’re really close to.

Let me be clear – the resistance is not a conscious thing. You can be eager to let go of an old grudge. You can be excited at the prospect of healing some old wound. And STILL have a hard time releasing it.

It’s The Love

Love is the reason for the hidden resistance. A fear of losing that love, or losing your connection to someone can slow EFT down. Some part of you can be afraid that to let the problem go is to let your whole connection go. And you’re not about to do that!

Even if it’s always been a rocky relationship. Even if your brother was always mean to you. Even if a parent was abusive to you. Your heart doesn’t want to lose the core love you have for them, underneath all the negative junk. So your mind-body-energy system can say, “Forget about releasing anything. I don’t want to take a chance. I’m not gonna rock this boat.”

What To Do

It’s so easy to address this when you’re tapping. Just acknowledge it in your setup phrase. For example:

• Even though I’m afraid to let go of this anger because I don’t want to lose my love for Bob, I love and accept myself anyway.
• Even though I’m concerned that if I release this pain, I’ll lose my connection with my mom, and it’s a shaky connection to begin with…..
• Even though it feels risky to let go of this old grudge, I want to trust myself to hold onto the good parts of our relationship.

Secret Tapping Weapon

Just assume there’s some resistance like this lurking in any old issue with a loved one. Make it a habit. Build in a setup phrase like one of the above examples– right from the beginning of your session. It can save you a lot of tapping time and frustration.

Try this yourself and report back to us on how it goes. Just leave a comment below.

This is a question that comes up a lot for clients– maybe not in those exact words or with that clarity. Often not even at a conscious level. But the question is there in some form.

Not having an answer to that question might create fear, which can keep you holding onto inner junk — junk you know you want to get rid of.

Then to make things worse, there’s a common belief that can boost your fear and it’s this: If I release one thing, it will leave a hole, a void. So I can’t let go until I have something else lined up to replace it. I need to control what will rush in there to fill that hole.

Good News

The great news is that you already have what you need. Because YOU fill the void. The real essence of who you are without problems and issues. The healthy, happy you.

Beliefs that don’t serve you and unwanted feelings are like mud covering a jewel. And you are the jewel. As you clear the mud away, the jewel begins to sparkle.

What if you replace your fear with curiosity? How about asking yourself, what color is the jewel? How does it look in different kinds of light?

You really don’t have to be afraid. Sure – you may be surprised, because you may not have seen the jewel in a long time.

But you can approach it with positive expectancy and curiosity about what the essential you really looks like. It’s been there all along, no matter what has happened in your life. Really. Even if crummy stuff began when you were very young. Just because you lost sight of that naturally comfortable, happy you doesn’t mean she stopped existing. She’s just been hidden by the layers of stuff that you’re now letting go of.

A Real Life Example

My artist client Jamie described her issue as “being afraid to lose my edge if I didn’t have fear and dread to motivate me to get things done. How was I going to stay motivated?” In other words, what will fill the hole if I let this go? Don’t I need to plan something else to take its place? Another way to stay motivated?

After releasing the dread with EFT, she said, “Allowing myself to experience the ‘empty-ness’ of losing fear as a constant companion in my daily planning actions helped me to see how fully it had been part of my life, and to recognize that whatever was coming in to take its place could only be a richer and more successful way to lead my life. For me, I don’t know if there’s a word that describes what motivates me now. Clarity, lightness, focus…”.

That clarity, lightness and focus is the real, essential Jamie shining through. Now her motivation is totally sustainable and energy-producing instead of energy-draining. Because it’s coming from the real Jamie – the essence of who she is. Just like it can for you.

So whatever you’re wanting to let go of, rest assured that only good will fill the space that opens up. That’s the natural way it works. I’ve seen it hundreds of times. Once the negativity is released, good shines through. Every time. I’ll leave it to you to explain and describe the process.

I get so excited, like a kid in a candy store, because I get a little glimpse of each client’s essence and can’t wait to see who is really in there, just waiting to shine! I hope I can infect you with some of my own excitement so you realize you can trust what will fill the gap left by some junk you let go of. It’s the naturally happy, peaceful you!

Bonus Tip

If you’re tapping on your own, this fear of the void sometimes shows up towards the end of your session and can slow or stop your release. Just check to see if that’s what’s going on, do some EFT on that specific fear, and continue to let go.

How has this question shown up for you? Leave a comment below.

You should be done with that by now! Ever tell yourself that? Most of us do at one time or another. Sometimes because we’ve been procrastinating. Or maybe we started something without the skills or information we really need to get it done.

How It Shows Up

See if you recognize any of these real life scenarios as something you might do:

• a coach was mad at himself for missing a networking event for the third month in a row
• a consultant was annoyed because she hadn’t resolved details of her mother’s estate
• a healing practitioner scolded herself for stalling on creating a separate business phone line
• a teacher ridiculed himself for still being interested in his ex-wife’s dating activities

So here’s what happens when you have something like this going on. You can see a logical solution to the problem. Right? Something you can DO. And you keep trying to get yourself to do that thing. That’s what logic tells you is the answer.

Wrong! The root of the problem is an emotional one – not a logical one. So it needs to be addressed with an emotional tool. And EFT is perfect for that. Great! There’s hope for a solution.

Tapping Slow-Down

Once you’re tapping, this self-blame can slow you down. I know I’ve written about this anger at yourself before. But this “shouldn’t I be done” anger is in a special zone all its own. I see it again and again. It can create big resistance to releasing the core issue.

Sometimes the release is slow right from the beginning. But often, clients get off to a good start — their emotional intensity is dropping at a good rate. Then they stall out about halfway through the session. The culprit? This special flavor of self-blame.

Here are some subconscious forms it can take:

• If I could get over this, I would have by now. I obviously can’t get over it, so I’m not going to release it.
• I should be punished because this has gone on for so long, so hanging onto this issue is my punishment.
• I put off getting help for this when I knew I needed it, so this is the price I have to pay – holding onto my problem.
• I know logically what I should have done a long time ago. I didn’t do it, so I need to suffer.

What To Do

You can tap directly on the issue of blaming yourself for not being done yet. Or just work the phrasing into your setup statements. For example:

• Even though I’m reluctant to let go of this divorce grief because I should be over it by now, I want to love myself anyway.
• Even though I’m resistant to clearing any more of this networking fear because I should have taken care of it 3 months ago, I want to respect myself and accept my feelings.
• Even though it feels impossible to clear this issue, and maybe I’ve gone as far as I deserve to because I’m a procrastinator, I want to love all parts of me anyway.

Let us know how this works for you — leave a comment below.

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