Do you ever get really excited about a project, get the detailed plans lined out, find the people you want to help you? You’re all jazzed about it and really on a roll… And suddenly you’re dragging your feet. All kinds of reasons are showing up to do it later, slow your timeline, change your plan. I see it a lot with people who are feeling stuck – off to a good start, and then they lose momentum.

Here’s The Deal

When you set your goal and do specific planning, you’re making it all much more real. Getting clear about it stirs up all your fears and limiting beliefs. It’s the most natural response there is, and not something to avoid.

We’re hardwired to watch for possible dangers any time we head in a new direction. That reaction is our old reptile brain at work keeping us safe. So of course your system will fire off all possible reasons why you shouldn’t move ahead.

Ignoring those doubts and fears may seem like the best plan of action, but it’s not. In fact, ignoring them can give them strength. If you pretend they’re not there, push them down, or yell over the top of them with affirmations, they don’t go away. They fester and grow in the background, and can really slow you down – even bring you to a screeching halt.

Another Approach

You can pay attention to the fears and beliefs that show up. Be curious about them. This is simply information that’s coming up, and you always have the choice about how to respond to it.

There can be valuable messages in those doubts and fears. So don’t smash them down. Don’t push them away. Often your solutions and next steps can be wrapped up right there inside that fear or belief.

Here’s An Example

Linda created a product. The closer she got to bringing it to market, the slower her progress. The fear whispering in the background was, “What if this goes the way it did last time and nobody buys it?”

When she looked closely at that doubt, she could see that;

1. She was a different person from who she was 3 years ago when she last tried it.
2. Since the last time she had 3 years’ worth of education she was applying to her project.
3. She had outside help to ensure success.
4. She could make some changes if sales didn’t go as planned.

Shedding the light on that fear helped her recognize that she stood a much better chance of success this time. And it allowed her to create some alternatives to use if she needed course corrections along the way.

You’re Not Weird

So if you think you’re weird because you’re feeling more negativity show up as you get closer to your goal, think again. These fears that show up mean you’re doing a darned good job of seeing where you want to go. The clearer your vision, the more you stir up mechanisms that say, “No! Don’t rock the boat.” It’s so natural and it’s really a good thing. And you can use it to your advantage.

Once you see the negatives, you’re at a point of choice when you’re looking clearly and squarely at what your options are. You DO have a choice to quit pursuing that goal. You DO have a choice to acknowledge doubts and fears and decide to move ahead anyway.

When you see the negatives, you can make a deliberate choice from a place of real power. Because you no longer have hidden emotions driving your behavior and causing a distracting inner tug-of-war.

Once you’ve examined the limiting beliefs or feelings, EFT is the best way I know to eliminate them. And if you need some help with that, just let me know.

This is a question that comes up a lot for clients– maybe not in those exact words or with that clarity. Often not even at a conscious level. But the question is there in some form.

Not having an answer to that question might create fear, which can keep you holding onto inner junk — junk you know you want to get rid of.

Then to make things worse, there’s a common belief that can boost your fear and it’s this: If I release one thing, it will leave a hole, a void. So I can’t let go until I have something else lined up to replace it. I need to control what will rush in there to fill that hole.

Good News

The great news is that you already have what you need. Because YOU fill the void. The real essence of who you are without problems and issues. The healthy, happy you.

Beliefs that don’t serve you and unwanted feelings are like mud covering a jewel. And you are the jewel. As you clear the mud away, the jewel begins to sparkle.

What if you replace your fear with curiosity? How about asking yourself, what color is the jewel? How does it look in different kinds of light?

You really don’t have to be afraid. Sure – you may be surprised, because you may not have seen the jewel in a long time.

But you can approach it with positive expectancy and curiosity about what the essential you really looks like. It’s been there all along, no matter what has happened in your life. Really. Even if crummy stuff began when you were very young. Just because you lost sight of that naturally comfortable, happy you doesn’t mean she stopped existing. She’s just been hidden by the layers of stuff that you’re now letting go of.

A Real Life Example

My artist client Jamie described her issue as “being afraid to lose my edge if I didn’t have fear and dread to motivate me to get things done. How was I going to stay motivated?” In other words, what will fill the hole if I let this go? Don’t I need to plan something else to take its place? Another way to stay motivated?

After releasing the dread with EFT, she said, “Allowing myself to experience the ‘empty-ness’ of losing fear as a constant companion in my daily planning actions helped me to see how fully it had been part of my life, and to recognize that whatever was coming in to take its place could only be a richer and more successful way to lead my life. For me, I don’t know if there’s a word that describes what motivates me now. Clarity, lightness, focus…”.

That clarity, lightness and focus is the real, essential Jamie shining through. Now her motivation is totally sustainable and energy-producing instead of energy-draining. Because it’s coming from the real Jamie – the essence of who she is. Just like it can for you.

So whatever you’re wanting to let go of, rest assured that only good will fill the space that opens up. That’s the natural way it works. I’ve seen it hundreds of times. Once the negativity is released, good shines through. Every time. I’ll leave it to you to explain and describe the process.

I get so excited, like a kid in a candy store, because I get a little glimpse of each client’s essence and can’t wait to see who is really in there, just waiting to shine! I hope I can infect you with some of my own excitement so you realize you can trust what will fill the gap left by some junk you let go of. It’s the naturally happy, peaceful you!

Bonus Tip

If you’re tapping on your own, this fear of the void sometimes shows up towards the end of your session and can slow or stop your release. Just check to see if that’s what’s going on, do some EFT on that specific fear, and continue to let go.

How has this question shown up for you? Leave a comment below.

Some days you’re more motivated than others – to really get into your work or your project. When your enthusiasm is drooping a little, it’s not always clear what the cause is. Last week you were really charged up to move on that project. Today, however, is another story…

What’s The Deal?

Lack of motivation can happen for a lot of different reasons. Here are a few possibilities to consider:

• Distraction – If your attention is pulled in another direction, you may simply need to focus to revive your enthusiasm.
• You need a break – Motivation can be tough to sustain over a long period. It’s possible that a brief change in activities is all you need. Then you can return fresh to your project and be ready to go!
• Worry and fear – Sometimes you think it’s a lack of motivation, when the REAL issue is that you’re scared to move ahead. So you’ve pushed fear down to avoid discomfort. The problem is that your enthusiasm got pushed down with the fear. So it’s still there, but it’s just been temporarily squelched.

Getting The Boost You Need

You can use EFT to help yourself in different ways. See if any of these will work for you:

• Tap in affirmations to get the level of motivation you’re looking for.
• Listen for “yeah, but..s” or “tail-enders” when you’re doing your affirmations and write them down. Then use EFT on those objections to clear them out.
• If distraction is the problem, use EFT to tap in positive statements: I’m willing to put my focus where it needs to be; I’m willing to clearly see my next step; and I’m willing to trust my inner guidance. Then follow through on that guidance. Once you’re doing what you need to be doing, it’s likely your motivation will return.
• Check to see if fear is the real culprit. Then use EFT to eliminate that fear. When there’s no longer a need to squash your feelings, your enthusiasm will bounce back.

Get Rid Of Any Guilt And Blame

Whatever approach you take, be sure to let go of any guilt or self-blame about feeling unmotivated. For some people that’s a challenge. But the truth is that feeling guilty about being distracted just distracts you further! And blaming yourself for avoiding fear just creates an extra obstacle to regaining motivation.

So if you can just gently let those things go — guilt and blame — do it! If not, then use EFT to clear guilt or self-criticism. And remember: getting rid of those FIRST will speed up the rest of your tapping!

Try these tips and let it know how it goes — leave a comment.

It’s easy to define where you don’t want to be — what you want to get rid of. Maybe you want to get rid of some weight. Or anxiety when you talk with prospects. Or your lack of focus at work. We all have something we want to get rid of.

But where do you want to be instead? What’s your destination?

Seems like a no-brainer to answer that, doesn’t it? And the quick answers ARE no-brainers: be thin, be calm, be focused. OK.

But if you go deeper with that question of where you want to be, your expanded answers will get you where you want to go much faster. Whether you’re using EFT or not.

Here’s what I mean.

When you think of a challenge you want to move past, ask yourself these questions:

• Where do I want to be instead — specifically? What are the details?
• Why do I want to go there? What are the benefits to getting there?
• What difference will it make to get there? To me? To others?
• How will I feel when I get there?

Coming up with your answers radically alters the whole process of change you want to create. When you ask about those details, you accomplish 3 big things:

1. You create excitement about getting there, which pulls you towards your goal like it’s a magnet.
2. Your fears and limiting beliefs intensify about reaching your goal. Wait – this IS a good thing! Now you know what you’re dealing with and why you’re not there yet. Now you can find specific solutions that work. (Bring on the EFT.)
3. You have a goal you can actually commit to. It’s clear. It’s solid. It’s real. You have claimed your destination by defining it.

This is the first step I use with my EFT clients because it sharpens our focus and shortens our sessions. Try it for yourself and see how zeroing in on exactly where you want to be gives you crystal clear feelings and beliefs to release, and vivid details to use with affirmative tapping.

If you want tips to help you get more specific with your destination, listen to a radio chat I recently did about this topic.

What works for you? Let us know by leaving a comment.

Since I’ve been writing about getting away from blaming yourself, I thought it might be good to offer ideas of what to do instead. What’s the flip side of self-blame?

According to the thesaurus, the opposite of blame is applaud, commend, praise, and thank. So how can you do that for yourself?

Well, here’s one practice I love to do. It just feels so good and puts me in a great frame of mind at the end of the day. It’s originally from Jack Canfield, with a little twist of my own added to it. It’s simply called Appreciating Yourself.

This is a short exercise to do before you go to bed. You acknowledge all the little (and big) things you’ve done during the day and appreciate yourself for them. Doesn’t sound like much, but the impact of this little practice can be surprising. It’s different for everyone, but here are some possible benefits:

• Personally, my stress level dropped. Do you ever focus only on the things left to do? Wonder where the day went? Or criticize yourself for not getting enough done? Well, that was my story. This practice totally changed my perspective when I saw how much I was accomplishing.
• For some people, this can be a real confidence-builder as they give themselves the recognition we all want. Now they’re not so driven to seek approval from others.
• It can also help with gracefully accepting praise and compliments, if that’s a struggle for you.
• You might cut down on your self-critical remarks. This helps set a new norm for self-talk.

So here’s how the practice goes.

This exercise is best to do just before bedtime, when your day is still fresh in your mind.

Stand in front of a mirror. First, look yourself straight in the eye for a few seconds. Then maintain eye contact throughout the exercise.

Then say, “(your name), I appreciate you for the following things,” and follow up with:

• any accomplishments – personal, emotional, business, financial, educational, household, spiritual, interpersonal, etc.
• any personal disciplines you followed through on – dietary, exercise, spiritual practice, study, etc.
• any temptations you refrained from – staying up too late, watching excess TV, that second brownie, bad-mouthing somebody, etc.

Finish by saying, “(your name), I love you,” and continue looking into your eyes for a few extra seconds.

So it could sound something like this: “Janet, I appreciate you for the following things today: You got up early and did your spiritual practices. You ignored your craving for a sausage croissant and ate a healthy breakfast, and went to the Y and had a good workout. You had a good talk with Jackie and were honest with her. It made you both feel better to clear the air. You got those packages in the mail. You contacted the Yoga House about workshop space. You gathered your notes to write the blog post and put great TLC into it. You checked on the size for Jim’s birthday gift, and will really be getting him something he wants. Good job – not easy to buy for a 16-year-old boy! You wrote some great copy for your website. You called Robin back to set that appointment. You answered all your emails. You called the new graphic designer and started a good relationship with her.”….., etc.

Now go to bed, filled with good feelings, and beneficial neurochemicals flowing through your bloodstream.

Some people find it uncomfortable, especially looking into their own eyes, because it’s new. Some people feel embarrassed and some people even cry! That’s okay. Any discomfort soon goes away as you practice.

Here’s a PDF copy of the exercise for you to print out to help you get started.

(I keep a copy between the bed pillows so I don’t forget to do it.)

For extra punch

You can tap around the tapping points while you’re doing this exercise for even more powerful benefit. It’s another way of using affirmations with EFT– always a great way to work with your positive side.

So let us know how it works for you. Come back and leave a comment below.

Yes, here we are talking about self-blame again. That’s because it traps so many people, and because getting rid of it creates such freedom, that I’m covering another aspect of it here.

In the last post, Self-Blame Or Personal Responsibility?, the emphasis was on how blaming yourself can creep in on you and keep you stuck.

OK. But sometimes self-blame actually seems useful. Why would you let go of something useful? Doesn’t make sense.

Self-Blame As Motivation

Maybe it feels motivating to scold yourself for what you coulda-shoulda done. Maybe that’s what gets you into action. Your Inner Drill Sergeant makes it perfectly clear how it’s your own darn fault that you’re in the position you’re in. So it’s up to you to get out of it. And that’s how you get yourself moving on your projects or personal changes. So self-blame really IS useful. Or so it seems…

While it’s powerful to realize you’re in charge of your own life, using blame to get there is a poor choice. Here’s the truth: Scolding yourself into action may work in the short term, but it won’t hold up over the long haul. Self-blame as a motivator is not sustainable.

Sooner or later, you’ll tell that part of you to buzz off because you’re sick of being yelled at. So now you have an inner stand-off going on. And that keeps you stuck.

It just doesn’t feel good to be dreading the next scolding. And it’s hard to feel positive while you’re feeling ashamed about what you did or didn’t do.

Letting It Go

If riding yourself is a familiar motivator, it may be a challenge to give it up. But it will be SO worth it! Self-blame is a destructive practice that can really keep you from moving forward.

Being willing to release it comes from trusting yourself to come up with positive alternatives (and your resources and community). From there, it just takes practice:

• Practice noticing when you blame yourself.
• Practice letting go of it.
• Practice motivating yourself in other ways.

And of course, EFT is a great way to help release those old self-blame patterns and the teachings behind them.

How does this work for you? What are some alternative ways you motivate yourself? Share your experience with the rest of us by leaving a comment.

We’re encouraged to take personal responsibility to empower ourselves. It does feel good, doesn’t it? I admit it can be scary, but the strength of it feels great. When I’m taking responsibility for my life and there’s a problem, I’m in charge of the solution. It’s my choice. Since I like being in charge, that’s good news to me.

Plus I don’t have to wait for somebody else to change, or for a circumstance to change – none of which I can control. So I vote YES on taking personal responsibility.

But in the process of doing that, self-blame can creep in. Without me even noticing. So what? you might ask. Isn’t that part of taking responsibility? Isn’t that a good thing?

My answer to both questions is a large NO.  Because it’s just not constructive to blame yourself. In fact, it can keep you seriously stuck.

Self-blame says:

• I need to fix myself.
• I need to punish myself in some way.
• I need to regret what I did.

Since I’m not sure how long these things take, or when I’m finished, I could stay here a long time. I keep telling myself, “I should know better. I shouldn’t have done that. If I scold myself enough, maybe it won’t happen again.” Etc.

And while I’m blaming myself, it keeps me in a looking-back position — focused on the past. Also an unhelpful place to hang out.  I’m speaking from plenty of personal experience here.

On the other hand, taking responsibility simply requires me to see my part in what’s going on. I can do that honestly AND without self-blame. So first I take a close look.

Then I just ask myself: Do I want to change something? If so, what are some options? What action do I need to take to change things? This keeps me in a looking-forward position – focused on the future. And that draws me ahead in the direction I want to go.

And here’s a bonus: When you let go of the whole self-blame thing, your creativity has some room to breathe. It’s really liberating! You can see so many more possibilities when you’re not bogged down in the heaviness, the negative energy, and thought-spinning of self-blame.

Try setting the blame aside and see what happens. (If that’s tricky for you, EFT can definitely help.) What are your thoughts? Leave a comment and let us know.

It can be easy to watch yourself stalling and just label it procrastination. Then what do you do about it? Do you scold yourself to try to get moving? Sometimes that can spur you on, but the momentum sure doesn’t last. And it feels awful!

What feels better is to look a little closer. If you can see the hidden feelings and beliefs, you can do something with that. Simply seeing what’s really going on can shift your perspective.

So what’s hiding underneath putting something off? Sometimes the answer has to do with hope. Seems weird, no? But here’s how it goes.

Let’s take dating as an example (or I should say NOT dating). A client wants to find a partner. She’s been intending to start going out with guys again, but has put it off for three years.

Now here’s the hope part: She has a beautiful idea of what her partner could be like, and the wonderful life they could share together. She really hopes her dream can play out in real life. But if she starts dating, and it doesn’t happen, she’ll risk losing that hope. Forever. (Or that’s what it seems like, anyway.)

It feels better to at least have the dream, the hope that she could live happily ever after with her ideal man. If she doesn’t date, she won’t have to chance having her vision not come true.

So she doesn’t get started. There’s too much at stake – that sweet, precious hope. It feels HUGE – and so all-or-nothing.

So there’s the fear: I’ll lose my dream that feels so good when I imagine it. I’d rather have the certainty of feeling good about a dream, than to risk losing it by starting to date.

Sounds a little wacky when you say it out loud, but who says feelings and beliefs make sense?

I saw myself stuck by my hope last week. I’m in a new place, and decorating my living room. I kept putting it off because I had a picture in my head of how I wanted it to turn out. What if I pulled it all together and it turned out crummy? I’d rather have my hope of how fabulous it MIGHT look than to risk it by actually moving ahead.

Once I realized that’s what was going on, it freed me up to get rolling on my project. Sometimes just shining the light of logic on your fears can make them evaporate.

And sometimes it goes a little deeper. I’m not saying it’s always that simple. But if there’s something you’re putting off, just ask yourself, “Am I loving the dream picture too much to move ahead?”

Let me know what you think and leave a comment.

Pretty strange watching myself stall in the last week. I’m making changes in my business and seriously dragging my feet. I knew one big way I could help myself was to use EFT* and tap on my fears of change. Jeez! I mean, that’s what I do for other people. Get them unstuck using EFT. I was feeling pretty lame, I have to tell you.

There was no doubt about how much better I’d feel, but I wasn’t doing it. AND I wasn’t moving forward with projects. I got a lot of OTHER things done while avoiding them, and that’s nice. I was doing my best to avoid being mean to myself. But still . . .

As luck would have it (or outstanding cosmic timing, depending on how you look at it), a couple of clients were in the same spot. In helping them, I remembered something I’d forgotten:

Being on the brink of change brings up HUGE resistance. Especially when it’s a big change. Oh, yeah… This is normal. This is natural. And it’s just a reaction. Period. You can realize that, acknowledge it, and move on.

It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. In fact, it would be a little weird if some version of this didn’t happen. Your lizard brain is trying to keep you safe. It’s doing whatever it can to get you to not rock the boat, and not make a change. Hey, good job, Lizzie! (Thanks, Pam Slim, for the suggestion to name and make friends with my reptile brain.)

Sometimes watchdogs bark when there’s no real threat. Same deal with the lizard brain. Somehow, just the realization that my stalling was a result of a natural reaction gave me the freedom to go ahead. Nothing big needed fixing first.

How do you help yourself when you see you’re avoiding what you want to do?

—————————
*EFT is Emotional Freedom Techniques, a rapid change tool you can read more about here.

(Rather listen? Turn up your speakers and click on the arrow.)

You’re right in the middle of your project or a client session, going full-out. Feels great, doesn’t it? Just being totally immersed in what you love. Almost as if you and your work are one — no separation.

On one level, that’s an amazing thing – the Zen concept of being one with your work. But on another level, fuzzy lines between you and your work can be a serious problem.

It’s about boundaries — where you end and your work starts. Keeping these clear is critical to maintain sanity and momentum in your business. You have to realize that you, the essential you, are separate from your work.

How this plays out in real life

Say you put on a workshop and just a few people show up. If your boundaries are clear, you know it’s the workshop that’s the problem. Some aspect of your workshop game plan needs improvement.

OK. Back to the drawing board. Time to examine what you did and ask for some outside perspectives. Maybe you feel disappointed or annoyed, but the world is not coming to an end. It’s just one workshop, after all.

But if the lines between you and your work are fuzzy, YOU feel like a failure. You think YOU’RE the problem. You feel ashamed or embarrassed, rejected, blaming yourself – all that crummy stuff that comes from believing that you ARE your work.

Now this personal failure takes a much bigger solution: a bunch of inner work to find and fix the issue that caused the failure. Meanwhile, your fears are multiplying about ever doing another workshop. It may be a long time (like maybe never) before that happens…

Do you see the difference? When you clarify that boundary between you and your work, some cool things happen. Like it’s so much easier to take a risk and try something new.

Because you’re not putting your soul on the line. You’re just trying a new thing. There’s not nearly as much at stake.

You can still give your best energy to the work you love. Just do it with the knowledge that you and your work are separate entities. Keep those lines clear and feel the freedom it creates.

What do you think?