This is a question that comes up a lot for clients– maybe not in those exact words or with that clarity. Often not even at a conscious level. But the question is there in some form.

Not having an answer to that question might create fear, which can keep you holding onto inner junk — junk you know you want to get rid of.

Then to make things worse, there’s a common belief that can boost your fear and it’s this: If I release one thing, it will leave a hole, a void. So I can’t let go until I have something else lined up to replace it. I need to control what will rush in there to fill that hole.

Good News

The great news is that you already have what you need. Because YOU fill the void. The real essence of who you are without problems and issues. The healthy, happy you.

Beliefs that don’t serve you and unwanted feelings are like mud covering a jewel. And you are the jewel. As you clear the mud away, the jewel begins to sparkle.

What if you replace your fear with curiosity? How about asking yourself, what color is the jewel? How does it look in different kinds of light?

You really don’t have to be afraid. Sure – you may be surprised, because you may not have seen the jewel in a long time.

But you can approach it with positive expectancy and curiosity about what the essential you really looks like. It’s been there all along, no matter what has happened in your life. Really. Even if crummy stuff began when you were very young. Just because you lost sight of that naturally comfortable, happy you doesn’t mean she stopped existing. She’s just been hidden by the layers of stuff that you’re now letting go of.

A Real Life Example

My artist client Jamie described her issue as “being afraid to lose my edge if I didn’t have fear and dread to motivate me to get things done. How was I going to stay motivated?” In other words, what will fill the hole if I let this go? Don’t I need to plan something else to take its place? Another way to stay motivated?

After releasing the dread with EFT, she said, “Allowing myself to experience the ‘empty-ness’ of losing fear as a constant companion in my daily planning actions helped me to see how fully it had been part of my life, and to recognize that whatever was coming in to take its place could only be a richer and more successful way to lead my life. For me, I don’t know if there’s a word that describes what motivates me now. Clarity, lightness, focus…”.

That clarity, lightness and focus is the real, essential Jamie shining through. Now her motivation is totally sustainable and energy-producing instead of energy-draining. Because it’s coming from the real Jamie – the essence of who she is. Just like it can for you.

So whatever you’re wanting to let go of, rest assured that only good will fill the space that opens up. That’s the natural way it works. I’ve seen it hundreds of times. Once the negativity is released, good shines through. Every time. I’ll leave it to you to explain and describe the process.

I get so excited, like a kid in a candy store, because I get a little glimpse of each client’s essence and can’t wait to see who is really in there, just waiting to shine! I hope I can infect you with some of my own excitement so you realize you can trust what will fill the gap left by some junk you let go of. It’s the naturally happy, peaceful you!

Bonus Tip

If you’re tapping on your own, this fear of the void sometimes shows up towards the end of your session and can slow or stop your release. Just check to see if that’s what’s going on, do some EFT on that specific fear, and continue to let go.

How has this question shown up for you? Leave a comment below.

Do you shy away from stating the negative with EFT? Afraid you’re reinforcing the problem? That’s what happened with a client last week. We started tapping and her anxiety level went up instead of down. Turned out she was afraid she would make her worries permanent by saying them out loud.

And she’s not the only one. Many people who are used to working with affirmations, New Thought spiritual teachings and/or the Law of Attraction have this concern with EFT. They’re afraid they could actually make things worse – maybe even create more of the problem – by talking about the negative aspects of their challenge.

In fact, the opposite is true. It’s actually beneficial to focus first on those unwanted things. It’s true that what you focus on expands, but this focus is very temporary. Here are two reasons why that focus is a good thing:

1. You need to start from precisely where you are. That’s the spot on the map that you’re taking off from. The EFT process works like any other where you want to get from Point A to Point B. You need to identify Point A, and if that’s a negative spot, then that’s just the fact of where you are.
    
   Think of it like traveling. Say you’re headed for New York from here. Well, where’s “here?” If you just say “somewhere on the west coast,” you could add a lot of extra time and mileage getting to New York. All you know is the general direction you want to head in. But if you get specific, you can pick the fastest route there. You can make a plan. You can name spots along the way that can let you know you’re headed in the right direction. You can get those same benefits from clearly stating your starting point with EFT – and it likely has some negative aspects to it. That’s OK.
    
   So clearly state your unwanted feelings and thoughts and beliefs at the start of your EFT sessions. An unexpected bonus: You may be surprised at the relief you’ll feel simply from stating them out loud.

&nsbp;

2. Another reason to address the negative is because there’s a part of you that has a good reason (even if it’s a hidden reason) for feeling that way. It’s important to give a voice to that part of you – let it speak up at the start of your tapping sessions.
    
   You can try to ignore it, close the door on it, and go straight for addressing the positive with EFT. But you’ll likely make more work for yourself that way. If you don’t let the negative part of you be heard, it doesn’t just go away. In fact, sometimes it just gets stronger in its conflict with the positive. This can even create more resistance to releasing the issue.

What’s The Answer?

Don’t be afraid to shine the light on the negative side of the issue so you can clearly see what you’re dealing with. As you tap, name the crummy details and ugly specifics so you know exactly what you want to let go of, what you want to heal.

As you tap and the emotional charge decreases on your issue, start to shift your focus. Move to the positive side and focus on what you want as you tap. EFT Master Pat Carrington’s Choices Method is a great way to do that.

What’s your experience? Leave us a comment below.

Yes, here we are talking about self-blame again. That’s because it traps so many people, and because getting rid of it creates such freedom, that I’m covering another aspect of it here.

In the last post, Self-Blame Or Personal Responsibility?, the emphasis was on how blaming yourself can creep in on you and keep you stuck.

OK. But sometimes self-blame actually seems useful. Why would you let go of something useful? Doesn’t make sense.

Self-Blame As Motivation

Maybe it feels motivating to scold yourself for what you coulda-shoulda done. Maybe that’s what gets you into action. Your Inner Drill Sergeant makes it perfectly clear how it’s your own darn fault that you’re in the position you’re in. So it’s up to you to get out of it. And that’s how you get yourself moving on your projects or personal changes. So self-blame really IS useful. Or so it seems…

While it’s powerful to realize you’re in charge of your own life, using blame to get there is a poor choice. Here’s the truth: Scolding yourself into action may work in the short term, but it won’t hold up over the long haul. Self-blame as a motivator is not sustainable.

Sooner or later, you’ll tell that part of you to buzz off because you’re sick of being yelled at. So now you have an inner stand-off going on. And that keeps you stuck.

It just doesn’t feel good to be dreading the next scolding. And it’s hard to feel positive while you’re feeling ashamed about what you did or didn’t do.

Letting It Go

If riding yourself is a familiar motivator, it may be a challenge to give it up. But it will be SO worth it! Self-blame is a destructive practice that can really keep you from moving forward.

Being willing to release it comes from trusting yourself to come up with positive alternatives (and your resources and community). From there, it just takes practice:

• Practice noticing when you blame yourself.
• Practice letting go of it.
• Practice motivating yourself in other ways.

And of course, EFT is a great way to help release those old self-blame patterns and the teachings behind them.

How does this work for you? What are some alternative ways you motivate yourself? Share your experience with the rest of us by leaving a comment.

It can be easy to watch yourself stalling and just label it procrastination. Then what do you do about it? Do you scold yourself to try to get moving? Sometimes that can spur you on, but the momentum sure doesn’t last. And it feels awful!

What feels better is to look a little closer. If you can see the hidden feelings and beliefs, you can do something with that. Simply seeing what’s really going on can shift your perspective.

So what’s hiding underneath putting something off? Sometimes the answer has to do with hope. Seems weird, no? But here’s how it goes.

Let’s take dating as an example (or I should say NOT dating). A client wants to find a partner. She’s been intending to start going out with guys again, but has put it off for three years.

Now here’s the hope part: She has a beautiful idea of what her partner could be like, and the wonderful life they could share together. She really hopes her dream can play out in real life. But if she starts dating, and it doesn’t happen, she’ll risk losing that hope. Forever. (Or that’s what it seems like, anyway.)

It feels better to at least have the dream, the hope that she could live happily ever after with her ideal man. If she doesn’t date, she won’t have to chance having her vision not come true.

So she doesn’t get started. There’s too much at stake – that sweet, precious hope. It feels HUGE – and so all-or-nothing.

So there’s the fear: I’ll lose my dream that feels so good when I imagine it. I’d rather have the certainty of feeling good about a dream, than to risk losing it by starting to date.

Sounds a little wacky when you say it out loud, but who says feelings and beliefs make sense?

I saw myself stuck by my hope last week. I’m in a new place, and decorating my living room. I kept putting it off because I had a picture in my head of how I wanted it to turn out. What if I pulled it all together and it turned out crummy? I’d rather have my hope of how fabulous it MIGHT look than to risk it by actually moving ahead.

Once I realized that’s what was going on, it freed me up to get rolling on my project. Sometimes just shining the light of logic on your fears can make them evaporate.

And sometimes it goes a little deeper. I’m not saying it’s always that simple. But if there’s something you’re putting off, just ask yourself, “Am I loving the dream picture too much to move ahead?”

Let me know what you think and leave a comment.

Pretty strange watching myself stall in the last week. I’m making changes in my business and seriously dragging my feet. I knew one big way I could help myself was to use EFT* and tap on my fears of change. Jeez! I mean, that’s what I do for other people. Get them unstuck using EFT. I was feeling pretty lame, I have to tell you.

There was no doubt about how much better I’d feel, but I wasn’t doing it. AND I wasn’t moving forward with projects. I got a lot of OTHER things done while avoiding them, and that’s nice. I was doing my best to avoid being mean to myself. But still . . .

As luck would have it (or outstanding cosmic timing, depending on how you look at it), a couple of clients were in the same spot. In helping them, I remembered something I’d forgotten:

Being on the brink of change brings up HUGE resistance. Especially when it’s a big change. Oh, yeah… This is normal. This is natural. And it’s just a reaction. Period. You can realize that, acknowledge it, and move on.

It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. In fact, it would be a little weird if some version of this didn’t happen. Your lizard brain is trying to keep you safe. It’s doing whatever it can to get you to not rock the boat, and not make a change. Hey, good job, Lizzie! (Thanks, Pam Slim, for the suggestion to name and make friends with my reptile brain.)

Sometimes watchdogs bark when there’s no real threat. Same deal with the lizard brain. Somehow, just the realization that my stalling was a result of a natural reaction gave me the freedom to go ahead. Nothing big needed fixing first.

How do you help yourself when you see you’re avoiding what you want to do?

—————————
*EFT is Emotional Freedom Techniques, a rapid change tool you can read more about here.

Making a powerful commitment includes burning bridges – eliminating the paths of retreat. Yikes! Maybe that sounds a little drastic to you.

But think about it: There’s a bridge behind you that leads back to where you came from. Maybe there’s a part of you saying , “Well, if this doesn’t work out, I can always do what I did before…” If that’s the case, then how truly committed are you to doing something new and different? And what are the chances of succeeding with one foot out the door?

It’s not clear which comes first – total commitment or bridge-burning. I don’t think that matters. But one thing is for sure: they are hooked together.

If complete commitment comes first — to your new project, new business or new partnership — you’re in! You’re not looking back because that doesn’t even enter into the picture. That bridge isn’t even on the horizon. Your energy is totally invested in the future of your new venture.

If bridge-burning comes first, you’ve mentally and emotionally left yourself only one option. And that’s moving forward. There IS no going back, so you are absolutely invested in and committed to your new path. All your energy goes there.

EFT Can Help

Here are a few ways you can use EFT to help yourself feel really good about your commitment. (EFT is an easy-to-learn tool for mindset change. Learn more here.)

1. First, quickly tap away any self-blame or impatience with yourself about this. This is very important. Anger or frustration at yourself can serve as an anchor for other emotions that aren’t serving you. So get rid of that blame first thing. It will make your other tapping go more quickly and be more beneficial.

2. Then, if you’re feeling anxious, list your fears and limiting beliefs and use Clearing Clusters technique to tap away that whole list.

3. Next, acknowledge all that got you to this point, thank it and let it go, tapping in affirmations:

• I’m grateful for all the paths that led me here.
• I honor my past victories AND mistakes. They’ve all contributed to this moment.
• I’m thankful for my old ways and all that they taught me.
• Now I’m willing to leave them in the past.

4. And finally, tap to affirm your excitement and commitment to what’s new:

• I’m looking forward to the new possibilities opening up.
• I trust my inner resources and the abundance of resources around me.
• I’m totally committed to this new _______. I’m in with both feet!
• The universe is conspiring in my favor and I can feel it.
• Amazing things are about to happen that support my commitment.
• I’m overflowing with new ideas and ready to follow through on them now.
• I’m so excited about my new venture. I’m behind myself 100%!

Keep us posted on how this works for you, and good luck on your new venture!
————————————————————

You should be done with that by now! Ever tell yourself that? Most of us do at one time or another. Sometimes because we’ve been procrastinating. Or maybe we started something without the skills or information we really need to get it done.

How It Shows Up

See if you recognize any of these real life scenarios as something you might do:

• a coach was mad at himself for missing a networking event for the third month in a row
• a consultant was annoyed because she hadn’t resolved details of her mother’s estate
• a healing practitioner scolded herself for stalling on creating a separate business phone line
• a teacher ridiculed himself for still being interested in his ex-wife’s dating activities

So here’s what happens when you have something like this going on. You can see a logical solution to the problem. Right? Something you can DO. And you keep trying to get yourself to do that thing. That’s what logic tells you is the answer.

Wrong! The root of the problem is an emotional one – not a logical one. So it needs to be addressed with an emotional tool. And EFT is perfect for that. Great! There’s hope for a solution.

Tapping Slow-Down

Once you’re tapping, this self-blame can slow you down. I know I’ve written about this anger at yourself before. But this “shouldn’t I be done” anger is in a special zone all its own. I see it again and again. It can create big resistance to releasing the core issue.

Sometimes the release is slow right from the beginning. But often, clients get off to a good start — their emotional intensity is dropping at a good rate. Then they stall out about halfway through the session. The culprit? This special flavor of self-blame.

Here are some subconscious forms it can take:

• If I could get over this, I would have by now. I obviously can’t get over it, so I’m not going to release it.
• I should be punished because this has gone on for so long, so hanging onto this issue is my punishment.
• I put off getting help for this when I knew I needed it, so this is the price I have to pay – holding onto my problem.
• I know logically what I should have done a long time ago. I didn’t do it, so I need to suffer.

What To Do

You can tap directly on the issue of blaming yourself for not being done yet. Or just work the phrasing into your setup statements. For example:

• Even though I’m reluctant to let go of this divorce grief because I should be over it by now, I want to love myself anyway.
• Even though I’m resistant to clearing any more of this networking fear because I should have taken care of it 3 months ago, I want to respect myself and accept my feelings.
• Even though it feels impossible to clear this issue, and maybe I’ve gone as far as I deserve to because I’m a procrastinator, I want to love all parts of me anyway.

Let us know how this works for you — leave a comment below.

________________________________________________

With EFT, it’s totally possible to stay sharp and stay cool simultaneously. Is this hard for you to believe? If so, you’re surely not alone. Many people are concerned that they’ll lose their edge if they tap away tension.

What’s Your Version?

This misconception shows up over and over again in several ways. Maybe one of these has a ring of familiarity:

• If I release this tension, I’ll lose my competitive drive.
• If I let go of this tension, my dancing/singing/acting performance will be flat.
• If I don’t have this tension, I’ll lose my motivation to work/sell/whatever.
• I need this tension to make my speaking presentation really lively.

The Real Truth

Tension is constrictive and driven by anxiety or fear at some level. It’s separate from performance energy. Many people believe that losing the tension means losing that good energy, so they hang onto both. This myth is reinforced by teachers in the performing arts, athletic coaches, speech coaches, sales trainers…the list goes on. They just have never experienced anything else.

If you’re in that group of believers, I hope you’ll consider another possibility. With tapping it’s completely possible to release the constricting impact of the fear while maintaining that energetic charge of positive performing or motivational energy.

How You Do It

You can easily split your tapping up into three parts:

1. Tap away your concern or limiting belief that you’ll lose your edge if you release your fears.
2. Tap away your fears regarding the performance or event or speech or sale.
3. Tap in affirmations to strengthen your positive energy – that performance electricity that other people connect with.

Powerful Combination

Calm + performance energy = powerful magnetism. Once you’ve tapped away tension resulting from fears and anxiety, you’re left with a foundational state of calm. There’s no energy drain for you from the adrenaline of fear charging around your body.

The excitement energy that propels you forward in any type of performance is pure and strong. People just gravitate towards it. And your energy is strengthened because it’s all coming from a positive center.

—————————————————————————————————–

Resentment and hurt and love are often tangled up together. So when you tap on an issue with these ingredients, you might struggle. Sometimes it’s a challenge to release old pain and anger. Examining the love connection can bring the solution.

The Irony Of It All

When you love someone, their actions and words have a bigger impact on you. So it’s easier to feel hurt or angry with a loved one than with someone you don’t care about. Right? It’s much simpler to just blow off a difficult interaction with a person who doesn’t mean much to you.

But when your heart is connected to someone, hurt and anger can result more often. And they can hang around longer, too. That’s why you’re tapping on them – because you’re still carrying them around. So it’s a little ironic that the people you care about the most can contribute heavily to your list of tapping issues.

Hard To Release

Over and over again, clients show resistance to letting go of old issues with loved ones. It can be a spouse, a kid, a parent, a sibling, a close friend – the kind of love doesn’t matter. Let me be clear – the resistance is not a conscious thing. You can be eager to let go of an old grudge. You can be excited at the prospect of healing some old wound. And STILL have a hard time releasing it.

It’s The Love

Love is the reason for the hidden resistance. A fear of losing that love, or losing your connection to someone can slow EFT down. Some part of you can be afraid that to let the problem go is to let your whole connection go. And you’re not about to do that!

Even if it’s always been a rocky relationship. Even if your brother was always mean to you. Even if a parent was abusive to you. Your heart doesn’t want to lose the core love you have for them, underneath all the negative junk. So your mind-body-energy system can say, “Forget about releasing anything. I don’t want to take a chance. I’m not gonna rock this boat.”

What To Do

It’s so easy to address this when you’re tapping. Just acknowledge it in your setup phrase. For example:

• Even though I’m afraid to let go of this anger because I don’t want to lose my love for Bob, I love and accept myself anyway.
• Even though I’m concerned that if I release this pain, I’ll lose my connection with my mom, and it’s a shaky connection to begin with…..
• Even though it feels risky to let go of this old grudge, I want to trust myself to hold onto the good parts of our relationship.

Secret Tapping Weapon

Just assume there’s some resistance like this lurking in any old issue with a loved one. Make it a habit. Build in a setup phrase like one of the above examples– right from the beginning of your session. It can save you a lot of tapping time and frustration.

Try this yourself and report back to us on how it goes. Just leave a comment below.

——————————————————————————————————-

A treasure hunt — that’s what I call time I spend talking before we begin tapping. A client looked at me like I was really nuts when I called it that. So I thought I’d share my explanation with you below.

*******************************************************
How do you approach your tapping sessions? You probably have some positive outlook to motivate you in the first place — some certainty (or at least hope) that life will improve from tapping. Great! Starting with optimistic expectation is a good place to begin.

How Do You Look At Your Issues?

OK – Your outlook on the issue itself can be a little trickier to keep in the positive realm. Viewpoints I hear from clients include:

• Oh, no — not another one. It’s ridiculous for that to bother me.
• I hate to even go there. I’m an idiot to still be affected by that.
• The details shouldn’t matter. Let’s just get this over with.

Respect Your “Problems”

The tapping concern you bring to your practitioner, or that you tap on yourself, has real value. Yes – really! At one time, it served you well. Recognizing that can actually speed up the tapping process. We’ll get to that in a minute.

But first, look at some examples:

• That fear you’ve brought forward from childhood made perfect sense when you were little. It served as a reminder to keep you safe from some undesired consequence.
• That old resentment protected your heart from feeling the pain of hurt. You didn’t want to feel that hurt, so the anger of the resentment was a good tool at the time.
• That unhelpful old belief was learned from people you loved and looked up to. Holding that belief was a part of belonging and sharing. It made sense to hold it.

Honor These Treasures

Recognizing the former value of feelings and beliefs you want to tap away is helpful for these reasons:

1. You now have one less reason to be critical of yourself. You didn’t just grab your issues for no good reason! They are all responses to something. Your wisest self came up with a good tool to help you best cope with your world.
2. Honoring the concerns as you get ready to tap on them can help you relax. This always decreases subconscious resistance to releasing what you’re tapping on.
3. This more positive perspective raises your energy level, your vibration, or however you want to think of it. And it can actually lower your emotional intensity level.

All of these things can reduce the amount of time it takes to clear your issue. So consider a different point of view when you think of your issues.

Real Gems

So you’ve seen that your issues had value in the past — that’s one way that they’re real gems. Another way is that each is a crystallized focus point for healing. If you know what the issue is, you know that releasing it will create good change. Now that’s a gem!

What do you think? Leave a comment below and let us all know.